(continued from the "Sex" topic)


So... about gettin' hitched. What do you think of it?

I can't wait to get married!!! :D

I feel people shouldn't get married too quickly. There's nothing against waiting for it and see if your relationship really works. Often, people seem to divorce after 7 years of marriage. So my idea is to live together for like 8 years, and then see if you still wanna go for it.

But I think I wouldn't even mind if I'd never marry at all.

But really...people should avoid the situation of divorces as much as possible. So the best thing to do that is to not even get married in the first place. Some people are in their 3rd marriage and I just think: "Wtf? why get married all the time? Can't you just live together and be happy without getting married?"

Some people are just not the right persons for a marriage.

Being married, I love it. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

Getting married is a huge plunge, so I would only marry someone that I was 100% certain that I could live with and spend the rest of my life with, period.

I wanted to bring sth up: It happens very often that people get married and immediately have a baby. I think it's a huge mistake. People that get married should take their time to be together and really get to know each other. I'd say a baby is a good idea after at least a few years of marriage, when a couple manages to put their life in order. Everybody knows that a baby changes a lot! Also in relations between spouses. And first months of marriage often look like a fairy tale. Maybe if people could just hold back and wait a little, the number of divorces wouldn't be so high.

That's my opinion, I'm only 18 so maybe I have a distorted outlook on marriage and suff. But how do you feel about having a baby right after the wedding?

My views on marriage might sound old-fashioned to people here on the forum, but that's because of the family I grew up in. I grew up in a traditional, Spanish Catholic immigrant family with a strong sense of filial piety and keeping up appearances, so to speak. I do believe that most people ought to get married, instead of living together. I was raised thinking that "living in sin" is wrong, and that's what Hollywood types and "fast" people do, not regular people.

If there is a child involved, then yes, the couple ought to marry. I myself am the product of a shotgun marriage, I should know. I know that if I ever got pregnant, my father, my uncles, or my brothers would force me to get married to the guy, and if he refused, they would probably beat the shit out of him. I'm not saying that they should, but that's the mentality I grew up with.

I'm uncomfortable around people who have kids without getting married, I can't help but think that they're somehow not doing something right. My mother has a friend whose daughter has been living with her boyfriend for ten years, they have three kids. She's a nice person, but everytime I see her, I can't help but wonder why they don't get married. I feel uncomfortable, and can't help feeling that she is slightly immoral for doing so. My parents would disown me if I did that. I don't hate the kids, they're good kids, but I can't help but think of them as being illegitimate. :( Don't take this the wrong way, and I don't want to sound judgmental, but that's how I was raised.

I can guess, but what exactly do you mean with 'hard work' if you'd like to tell us?

@ Agnes: I agree!

And you call yourself Lucifers Angel :P (that was NOT meant in a negative way!"

Back to topic: I really can't help but disagree with pretty much all you wrote there. First of all, to not get married can actually be a very good solution to many, as they avoid some of the legal issues when it comes to divorces and stuff. Also, I don't think religion is a very good thing to base a reletionship upon. I can't see one single thing that makes living together with your partner and raising your children immoral.

:)

I didn't mean to say it was immoral, I said I was uncomfortable with the idea. I was raised with that idea, that doesn't mean I still think so. Cohabitation may not be for everyone, I know I don't want to live together before marriage, my parents would never approve. I hope this clears it up :)

Oh okay :) I hope I didn't sound to rude, I tend to do that

As far as getting married, you just have to be with the right person, and until you know for sure you shouldn't be getting married. I've watched 3 of my close friends recently marry, and then within 3 years they are now divorced. :( One of my friends was kind of fucked in the ass by his now ex wife. She wasn't even working at the time, but she got to keep the house (they have no kids and the marriage didn't even last a year). He now has to start over from scratch. Their relationship was highly based on a physical lust for each other and it obviously didn't work out. They were the 2 most uncompatiable people in the planet.

If you are with the right person though marriage can really rock and kick all ass. I've been married for almost 4 years. When we first got engaged, they made a betting pool at where we worked regarding how long my hubby and I would last. The longest that anyone gave us was 16 months, mostly because we had only known each other for just about a year. We sure as hell showed them. :) I don't think that marriage has been hard work at all. Yeah, there's compromises that are made when you live and share your life with someone. I had to give up having a pristinely clean house because my hubby is an extremely messy person. We have reached some sort of compromise on keeping the house somewhat tidy, even though I'd rather have it much more organized. So I had to give up a little thing like not having any dirty dishes sitting in the sink for a few days before they get cleaned. Is it a big deal? Not really. Is my quality of life going down? Nah. And does the love and things that my husband has done for me far out weigh his dirty dishes? HELL YEAH!!!!! :) You learn how to pick and choose your battles. :)

If a relationship is more work than what you are getting out of it in return, I'd say that you're with the wrong person. No marriage is perfect, and you're always going to have to make compromises but the good should far outweigh the bad.



A week before we got married this old dude who was celebrating his 60th wedding anniversary gave us some advice. He said that the key to a sucessful marriage was just to be "nice to each other." Since the old fucker has been married for a long time, I've taken his advice and it really does help. Simple, but it works.

As for living together before marriage. My hubby and I lived together for 6 months before our wedding. We wanted to see if we could even live together.
It was a damn good thing that we did this because after the first week his untidiness really grated on my nerves and I nearly threw him out of the house. He had just moved 600 miles to be with me and I was literally packing his suitcases and throwing them outside. After living alone for so long the adjustment of just living with anyone was difficult at first.
Anyway, I got over it. I made the compromises needed, but I'm glad that we tried living together before walking down the aisle, just in case I didn't get over it. Having a big wedding and all the hoopla that goes
with it is stressful enough. I'm glad that I didn't need to adjust to living with someone on top of it all. All the bullshit was out of the way before we were married.
You might think that just because you've spent a shit load of time with your boyfriend/girlfriend that you really know each other but knowing every little thing about someone and actually living with someone are two very different things. I'd rather test my waters first.


As for marrying just because you're having a child together, I don't know if it's always the best thing to do. My parents have been married for thirty-four years, but they have had one hell of a rocky marriage with fights and trail separations and I can vouch that it does not make the child very happy growing up where there's tension and fighting all of the time.

Being an old married woman with three kids, I have pretty traditional views about marriage. I raised my boys to respect women. To me, that means not treating them like unpayed whores. If you think enough of a woman to lay in a bed with her, you should think enough to marry her. And ladies should settle for anything less. That doesn't mean marry the first person you sleep with, it means don't sleep with a woman you don't intend to marry. Preferrably don't sleep with a woman you're not married to, but once they're 18 they're out of my control. My opinion may not be popular with the young people nowadays (gosh I feel so old!) but I'm not changing it or mincing words for anyone, and I'm raising three great boys with that same old fashioned sense of value. It makes for stronger families by far. And I think I've been around long enough to see it.

I dont want to get married. I dunno why, its just never appealed to me. Im not the type of girl to get married lol. + my dads happy cause he will have 1 less wedding to pay for! :lol:

Yeah, I'm the same when it comes to marriage.

And I really don't agree with you views on marriage, Ms. Tammie. Having sex with someone should not count as a certificate of marriage.

if jason asked u to marry him would you have a good think about it? :biggrin

Personally I wouldn't want to get married unless I'm 100% sure it's the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with.
There might be a divorce afterwards, but I wouldn't marry anyone unless I'm 100% sure I really want to do it.
Marriage sure seems to be a nice thing, with the white dress and the church ceremony and stuff, but that's not all about it. So, as I've said it before, no marriage for me unless I'm sure.
And, the last thing I'll add in this post, you don't neccessarily have to be married to live in a long and healthy relationship (maybe even with children)

I believe you've misconstrued what I said. I never said that Having sex equates to having to get married. I said that you should not have sex with anyone you wouldn't want to marry. To me, "casual" sex is unacceptable. Again, old married woman talking here.

Yeah, I get what you're saying.

Well, we can still agree on disagreeing. :tu:

If its unacceptable...how far would u go to stop it? though u feel its unacceptable, do you implement your beliefs in anyway that would impact on others?

Well I don't go holding up signs anywhere and protest if thats what you mean. :lol: I just raise my boys to respect their own bodies and to respect women by not using them for sex.

:tu: You sound like a really great mom , Ms. Tammie!

Agreed!

That also deppends on the couple. My brother got married in July and now his wife is one month pregnant. Maybe to some people it's too early, but the truth is that she is 33 years old, and if she waited a few years, the possibility of her getting pregnant would be smaller.
But I see your point. They know each other for quite a long time, so I don't think someone who knew each other for a year and got married should have a baby right away without 'surviving the marriage first'.
It's allways a different situation from person to person, and that should be considered before making a judgement.

Yeah, I meant very young couples, like in their early twenties or sth.
You're right that it depends on a person, but I still think that majority of people do that and then suffer some consequences, moreover they wonder what the hell happened... but of course nobody would expect an innocent baby to cause such a mess in their lives... then a divorce follows... it's horrible to watch the growing number of failing marriages. People should be aware of that and really work hard to keep it together...

Hmmm, thats a tough one! But until that heppens, Im never getting married! :lol:

haha i told my dad that i posted that he wouldn't have to pya & he replied:

"I wouldn't pay for your wedding anyway! You can bloody pay for it yourself!"
:lol:

At 18 i was enaged to a man who I thought was the one, i stayed with him for 3 years turns out he was a lieing, manipulative ,cheating jerkoff. I believe i was very blinded by what i thought was love for 3 years and i felt horrible about myself and sometimes still do that I would do something so wrong to my own self. At the time when I was 18 I had extremly low self confidence and many other issues I was dealing with, i dove in head first into my first relationship and finally after 3 years of shit from the guy who was supposed to love and care for me and so on, i woke up and left his abusive ass. I guess if your haing some inner issues with your own self dont depend on a realtionship to fix it, and especially dont go after a smooth talking charmer, run the other way as fast as you can :lol:
Now at 23 I'm dating a pretty special guy who turns out that I've known for almost my whole life. We met when we were 7 and I didn't like him when we were little :P I mean 7 year old boys? :wacko: haha. Went to highschool together had a mad crush on him, and then 5 years after highschool (after the ex jerkoff to) we bumped into each other and presto had a few dates and then became boyfriend/ girlfreind and its been a great year and a half so far. We've had some talkes about moving in together but not for another year or so. I know now I would like to be married when I'm around 27ish and start a family when I'm 30. I never really wanted to get married but who knows I'm really starting to like the idea especially with my boyfriend in the future. We like to take things at what we call a good pace, we're getting to know each other well and so far things are working out pretty darn good. :P
From my experince I'd say take things at a good pace not to slow not to fast, deal with things dont beat around the bush, be nice and respect each other, its okay to be a bit selfish in the relationship otherwise you'll always be trying to make the other person happy without making yourself happy to, its true longing does make the heart grow founder, communicate its one of the best things you can do for yourself and the one you love.
well thats all i have to say about marraige and well mostly relationships lol :lol:

i'm also one of the people who have to be 100% sure that their marriage would work out.... & i would also move in with the guy i love before getting married... when it comes to living with someone i know i can be a pain in the ass.... so i want my future husband to know all my qualities & all my faults beforehand... so that he is dissappointed afterwards... and of course the same thing goes for him... i'd have to know him well!


and about kids... i'd prefer having kids before getting married as well... if the relationship is still alive after the kid is like 2 years old... then i'd be 200% sure that he is the one!
i love kids, but i know they can be a handful... so if the both of us can handle taking care of the little fellow AND still invest in our relationship, then i'd get married!


my parents dated each other for less than a year when they got married and they were still in college, they moved in together after they finished college and moved to a smaller town... and they had one of the most healthiest marriages i've ever come across! but seeing my grandparents fight ever single day makes me think that not all people are as fortunate as my parents were... so better safe than sorry!

The thought of marriage makes me sick,actually. I think it´s mainly because of my fear of having this average life. I know it can sound arrogant,but it´s not meant that way at all. It´s just that I can´t handle the thought of having the whole kazoo you know, being a tired,worn out mom who spends all her time cleaning,cooking,breastfeeding,driving to soccer practice....the Volvo,the dog,the lazy husband,family vacations,blablabla...the whole sht. It is my worst nightmare!

Second, I don´t want kids. I really don´t want kids. I must be born without maternal instincts. For example, when my friends see a baby they go: "awwww!", while I go: "eeeew", thinking about what a mess they make. Diapers,baby food all over the floor, drooling, crying, spitting up...and don't even get me started on giving birth. I can't even look at a pregnant woman before I get sick to my stomach. That is my biggest fear. Call me a chicken,but seriously, I would rather die.

I'm not religious at all either. When I turned 18, I signed myself out of the Norwegian church. So, when I don't want to get married and I don' t have a personal belief that requires me to so,there's no point in doing it. The only reason, if any, would be the whole idea of "the happiest day of my life"-crap with a big party, flowers I spent a month picking out and me in a huge dress looking like cream tart. And that really doesn't appeal to me either... :rolleyes: :ugh:

Last,but not least: I don't believe that humans are made to be with one person for the rest of their life, or that love lasts forever. Marriage is made up to keep the society under control. People didn't get divorced back in the days, because it wasn't socially accepted. Often, love wasn't even a part of the deal, which is the tradition many cultures still follow. A marriage based on true love is a pretty new concept. Just a few generations ago it was perfectly normal that people got married because of status, economy, or just for being related to each other so they could keep the blood pure. Besides, women are independent now. They don't need a husband to support them. My point is that a modern marriage is based upon such vague and weak factors that it's no wonder the divorce rates are so high.

To finish this crap, I have to say that I love my boyfriend with all my heart, but I don't wanna marry him. We're together and whatever happens, happens. I just hope we'll be together for a long,long time. :D

I'm never going to marry. Never going to live with anyone either.

I personally don't believe love is real anymore. That's just my opinion though.

How's that possible?
I'm sorry to hear that.

It's possible Max I have 31 and I think that I never be with someone because i loss faith in guys! :(
I want that but every guy is wrong.

"Love" as it is called is just a nice way of saying here is another way of fucking up your heart and life. To me that's what "love" is. You can thank my Dad and my Mom and all the guys around where I live for that. Sadistic,drunken,selfish,wife\child beating assholes. May what they give out come back to them 100 times harder. :ugh:

It's all about meeting the right people. And yeah, I know that is hard.
But you can recognise true love when you meet someone who really cares about you and treats you with respect. It's very sad that you haven't found this yet at this age. I hope you find it soon. Because I'm convinced that love does not always have to be a road to a heart break.

I had 2 truly love...but ...heh...Yeah it's hard to find Mr.Proper :)

I believe that marriage is an outdated concept. If it works for you, cool.

I don't wanna get married. but I have absolutely nothing against people who still believe in it.

When i put finger at my head and think about that...yeah you're right Carla. Probably i never be in marriage :wink

i always said i´d never get married in my life but now that i´ve found someone whom i really care about deeply i started to change my mind - this doesn´t mean that i absolutely want to get married, now i say let´s see what time brings, so i´m no longer strictly against getting married.

I'm not planning on getting married, I've seen too many divorces around me <_<
I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years and it's great as it is and we both feel the same way about it.