I've been thinking about this for a while.

Who do you think is more in command in a relationship? Like who gets what they want the most or who compromises more?

I know that the most ideal answer is "Men and women need to be equal" but it's mostly not the case in relationships.

My input and examples shall follow after your posts. Discuss away.

Well I thinks it's hard to get a view on this. Because you hear about men being more dominant in a lot of cases, but I've also heard about women being more dominant. Even heard about women beating their men. It happens.

So I can't say anything about it I guess.

I'm not talking about physical superiority.

What I mean is that sometimes in relationships men control women with thier strenght and mind set and in some relationships the women control the men with their sexuality and mind games.

I'm asking that which one has happened to you and which one do you prefer. Being in power or letting your partner take control?

Haha well I'm a control freak, so I prefer that my partner will be an easy going person. Or that's what I think will work best. But it may also be interesting to have someone who controls me. But on the other hand, I feel fucked up when I lose control.

This is an interesting topic. I've never had a relationship before, but I do believe that the man should have the upper hand. This may sound old fashioned, but I was raised to think that the guy should be the boss, and that the girl does what he says. I don't mean that the guy has to be a caveman, but it's more natural that way. The thing is, both my mother and my stepfather want to wear the pants, and they fight constantly over everything :o I hate that, maybe I'm being a weenie, but I hate fights, my mother and real father fought a lot like that :( Mom wants to run the house, so does he, and they fight a lot. I just wish that Mom would shut up and let him be the boss, maybe it'll shut him up. It sounds cynical, but I'm the kind of person who can put up with a lot of crap before I explode, I'm not touchy. There would be a lot of peace in this house if both of them just shut up and let my stepfather run things, I don't like the guy, but it'll keep him quiet, Mom ought to work behind the scenes so things don't fuck up.

Well for me the control should be equal. That rarely happens but on the relationships I had I tried to manage that. My last relationship went bad in part because he would let me decide everything!!!! I thought he should have his own opinion. For example on my parents relation is pretty clear: my mother sometimes actually shuts up to avoid an arguing! thats so wrong!!!!

in my relationship we usually decide about things together, but mostly i rather get what i want because he thinks i´m the woman, he needs to take care of me and make sure i´m fine and that´s why he usually gives in when there´s some "heated discussions" :P

My husband and I rarely ever fight. We do sometimes, all married couples do. You aren't going to live with someone in the same house and not have arguments at times. If you're in a relationship and you never argue, then I don't think that you're even in a healthy relationship. Part of having a solid, healthy, relationship is being able to have healthy disagreements and work through them.

My husband is not a door mat. He would never let someone shit all over him, but he is a laid back, easy going, guy who admits that he likes to just go with the flow.

When we first got married and I graduated from grad school, we had to decide where we were going to live. I really wanted to go some place warm, and there were a few options that work wise seemed really good for me. My husband can work pretty much anywhere, so he let me have the upper hand in where we eventually settled down and bought a house because my job is more locally affected. He knew nothing about the area that I picked to move to, but he said that he's always up for learning about a new place and meeting new people.

I think in our relationship I actually have the upper hand BUT for my family I'm the major breadwinner, so when it comes to things such as finances and what we buy it's usually my decision because I'm the one paying for it. If a decision comes for us and it's money based then even though I always talk it over with my hubby it's me who makes the final decision. Since I work more hours than he does, he doesn't mind picking up doing the housework and making dinner.

I'll admit that I am a control freak, and I'm very stubborn. I can be an asshole, I'll admit it.

One thing that has really helped me is that my husband and I even though we've been married for 4 years still have seperate bank accounts. I couldn't imagine sharing a bank account with anyone. My husband and I have our bills split up a way that works for us and that's just what we do. I LIKE having all access and control of my money at all times, and my husband understands this.

I think it just depends who you're with and how the personalities between the two people mesh together. I have ex boyfriends that were very stubborn like myself, and those relationships never lasted. There's more to a relationship than just liking the same books, music, or movies. A lot of it is how the personality, chemestry, and viewpoints work for the two people.

Hey thanks for sharing this. I think this is interesting and I see myself doing it like that too in the future. Especially so that I can't get mad when she's on a shopping binge. :lol:

Urgh, I really don't get the view point that if you don't argue, then your relationship cant' be healthy. Afterall, there's a huge difference between an arguement and a healthy disagreement. I mean, arguing means a full blown pick out at one another, something my boyfriend and I have done very little in our two year relationship - we've argued properly about something once, but it didn't last long - though that's not to see we agree totally on everything.
We are generally very similar people; similar intrests, similar personalities, you get the picture and as such, we don't usually disagree about much.
I just hate the way people try to press the fact that you need to argue to have a valid realtionship. Not so.

And Verity, I wasn't having a go at you, I was just saying in general :)


My boyfriend and I are both easy going people, so there's never any power struggles in day to day life over who gets what. We have some pretty clear boundries for things; I take very little to do with his band and he takes little to do with my photography. If we keep it that way, we keep arguing and criticism to a minimum and we seem to be a lot more supportive of one another. It's good to have things apart from your partner; no one can be completely dependant.

When it comes to money, we pay our own way most of the time, but that's not to say one can't treat the other. Decision wise, it often leads to me making it, just because Steven isn't so bothered. Example; When I asked him about where he wanted to go on holiday next year he simply said, "I don't mind. You pick. If you're there, I'm happy."
Although, saying that, he's really not a pushover.
He likes being protective and looking after me, something I'm happy to let him do.

I don't know, I guess I just think that if you're truly in a relationship that's for the long run and by that I mean that you're seriously considering being with this person for the rest of your life than you have to be able to go through anything and work out anything with this person.

I could be wrong on this and I'm not an expert on marriage. I've only had 4 years experience at it. When I've been married for 30 years maybe I'll be better at speaking my point about life. I have YET to meet anyone who's been married 30 plus years who hasn't had a big disagreement over something at some point.
They just say that the main thing is to never stay angry at one another for long...never go to bed angry. My husband and I have never gone to bed angry with each other, even if we have to sit up the whole night and talk about it.

I just think that if you're living with someone full time then unless you're the most easy going person on the planet, you're at some point not going to like something and you're going to have an arguement or a "disagreement" if you prefer that word. It's going to happen at some point, and you need to know how to work through it. It's going to happen once in a while...shit happens. If the arugement if over something major and you can't resolve it then you know that you shouldn't be marrying this person. Before I was even engaged to my husband we made sure that we were on the same page about splitting up our finances, where we wanted to live, and about not wanting children because those are 3 things that if we disagreed on them I knew that the marriage woudln't last.


I had a very good friend who used to brag and throw it in my face that she and her boyfriend NEVER argued. They booked this huge fancy wedding with all of this shit and then wound up calling it off a month before the ceremony because they had had their first real arguement over some wedding plans, and all of this bottled up anger that he had against her came out. I just think if they had both spoke their peace beforehand they would have A) learned to work through their differences or B) broken up before a bunch of money was spent on a wedding.


Sandman, I'm not having a go at you either, I'm just backing up my viewpoint. :)

i agree with that, it´s really good to have things apart from each other... my boyfriend is in a band too, and i just et him do as he wants to. the former drummer´s girlfriend kept messing around in this bandthing, she constantly tod him not to go to bandpractice so they could spend more time together or she wouldn´t let him practice at home and stuff and he was stupid enough to listen to her, now he´s no longer a member of the band anymore...

i just don´t get the point why she did so, IMO it´s good to have some seperate hobbies or activities, i would never even get the idea to tell him not to go to band practice, if it´s what he loves to do then he just should go ahead and do his thing and afterwards come back to me happily.

I'm married, and my husband and I are seperate but equal in our responsibilities. I am the primary home maker -- I make sure he gets fed and has clean clothes to wear. I also work, but I don't bring in most of the money. He works, and his job makes it possible to pay the bills. He also makes sure that the rent is paid on time as well as other bills, whereas I make sure the credit cards are paid on time. Who is more important? I would say that without a home, money is worthless, and without money, a home could not exist. Our responsibilities overlap a bit as you can see. We both work hard to make OUR home possible.

Reality is, arguments happen. So to me, a sign of a healthy relationship is not IF you argue (of course, yes, all couples argue) but HOW you argue. And are issues resolved completely and quickly? In a good relationship, people should resolve their issues with one another completely and quickly, and not let arguments over stupid things linger on into infinity.

My boyfriend is in a band as well..
I know he loves being in the band and going to practice.
It is not my kind of music they play, but I go to every show because I know he appreciates the fact that I'm there. If he writes something new and he wants my opinion I give my honest opinion even though it's shit.
I support him in his hobbies, like he does with me. But I don't control his hobbies.

As for the topic.
We both wear the pants in different ways. My boyfriend is very laid back and wants me to be happy, but is he doesn't want something he just speaks his mind.
And we don't argue that much, but he hates screaming... and I... yes scream... So mostly I swallow is until the next day and than I can say what is bothering me quietly and controlled. Than it's cooled down a bit and I won't start to yell and cry, and we can talk it over without getting angry.
Though my boyfriend didn't like that at first, but now he knows it's for the best and he won't be yelled at

I'd say that I've worn the proverbial pants in every relationship that I've been in. I don't let anyone control me in anyway and I get what I want emotionally.
Makes me sound like a right bitch :lol:

Don't worry, I am another "right bitch" :D

I want to at least have control over myself, but when I can even control someone else, the better:D
No, its not that bad, I'm not serious. but I am definitely the control person and I dont let anyone else to make decision about something what touches me.

I don't think you are a bitch for wanting to have the control over your own life :) It's basic human rights

I guess being completely equal would be "ideal", But I would say that I definately wear the pants in my relationship. It's not something that I plan, but I just have a very strong personality and, honestly, I can be very manipulative (but what woman isn't?). My boyfriends let's me get away with a lot but he has his limit's, I just sometimes feel like testing how far I can go :P this results in me being a bitch sometimes :rolleyes:

But we joke about it, even if we were a lesbian couple I would still be the man in the relationship! :lol:

Haha, same here! The only thing is that I've never had a heated discussion with my b/f yet.. and we're more than 1,5 year together. I think it's kind of equal in my relation :D

That's a very interesting discussion. I haven't had so many relationships before, and all of them (ok, it was one :biggrin ) weren't long...But I have an opinion though. I think both persons in a relationship should have a sense of humor and they shouldn't be small-minded, that'll help a lot not only with the control but with the harmony in the relationship too. I mean, what the hell is soooo wrong with you to be mad at the other person because he/she leaves the toothpaste opened...

The other thing is that I'm too egoistic and stubborn and I always do things like that: "If you don't want to go my way, I'll just carry on alone and you can do whatever you want. On your own." I only work out compromises with friends...not often.

In Bulgaria things are like this: in 85% of the couples the control is taken by the man because our country is too patriarchal. I know only 2 men who help their partners with the housework. It's common to see the man sitting in front of the TV waiting for his wife to make him a drink while she's back from work too. But after that she'll continue making the dinner and washing the dishes while he's watching football. An example: once I saw one of my dad's colleagues and his girlfriend. She was tugging a huge rucksack while he was flirting his fan!!! Things shouldn't be like this.

Funny you mention this. It strikes a nerve. I'd go insane with someone 'forgetting' something like that. I'd never do something like that myself and totally CAN'T imagine someone forgetting to do something like that.
Or like my brother always annoys me when he wants to borrow something from me (tools, chargers, anything) and he doesn't return it. Fucking hell!

Now that is something to be mad about! But the toothpaste thing or that with the lavatory pan never tease me.

My boyfriend and I kinda decide thinks democratically most of the time.
Sometimes he gets his head and sometime I do but mostly we find a compromise.

I would forget something like that (the toothpaste I mean)
my dad is always nagging to my mom when she looses her keys, because he always returns them to the same place, we (me and my mom) can't do that, it is not in our system, we just drop them somewhere when they become unhandy... that's why you can find our keys in places like the bathtub..
I can't see the point why you should get upset by that... we honestly can't help it... a genetic failure probably :P

Well quite simple..
In case of the toothpaste: It will dry out when it isn't closed, so that's annoying.
In case of losing the keys: I hate to lose time because we'd have to SEARCH for the damn keys, while it isn't nescesary if you just kept it with you. Also I'd hate the bitching that comes with this kind of situations. Make my mood swing around to darker places.

You would call it a genetic failure on your side, I'd call it a genetic failure on my side for getting upset over shit like this. It makes life less enjoyable in the end. You are the ones that are always having fun. :P

Funny! I always forget where I put keys. Luckily mom is always around so she helps me a lot. It's always like: Ma,do you know where my ID card is? Ma,where's the fucking tea?, Maaaa,where's my rubber DUCKIE !!? etc. etc.
I drive her crazy I swear to God ;D
But I have never left toothpaste opened
:blink:
Anyway...um I think that I have been the dominant side in most of my relationships.MOST! And it's not like I am a cold bitch who wants to get control over everything.But these men who seemed emocionally weaker than me were boring. It's like I could read "Hustler" in bed having sex with them. I wasn't really comitted. I think I truly loved only ONE guy in my life.
And it's like...He always had his own point of view.Our arguements were real armageddon. I don't say I miss argueing with guys.Just trying to remark that I am not interested in boys who constantly agree with me and have nothing interesting to show . That's just wrong. I need a guy who knows how to suprise me. My last boyfriend was so predictable. -_-
I knew what he wanted to say before he even thought about it ! WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! :P